I first shared the following in 2012 on an old blog. Maybe an update will follow one day when they’re grown and gone and we can see the full effect. But this is still the response I would encourage mothers to develop in themselves for dealing with broken things and fostering relationships, and so I share it here in this space for the first time.
It happens more often than I wish – a boy breaks something. And quite often that something that they break is something that I am fond of.
Quite awhile ago I read about a very wise person that worked to train herself to respond to her children who confessed to breaking things with an initial question of; “Are you ok? Did you get cut or hurt?”
That simple habit deeply touched me. What if a world of children – specifically boys who are wired to be a little bit more adventurous, daring and wild – grew up hearing their mothers concern being over their own well being and not over trivial items in the home or being shamed for always breaking things?
I decided to implement this habit in my home when things break – and I must confess, it is hard. It is hard in the moment of a shattered heirloom teacup to sit down on an eye to eye level and respond first with, “Sweetie, thank you for telling me – did the shattered china cut your finger?”
But I need to share something else too – that response becomes easier to say over time. It is a comfortable and safe response to give a child, especially in light of great disappointment over treasured breakables meeting their shattered end. Showing concern over a human being and reinforcing integrity in character for telling the truth should always trump any response of disappointment over a broken item or any questioning as to how or why they broke the item.
While training myself to respond this way has been hard {been working on it for 1.5 years and I continually need to remind myself!!} it has been so, so worth it to see the compassion it has evoked in my own sons. They are still young, and there is opportunity for them to change, but so far they have not hidden anything from us when they break something – whether it is completely an accident or from their own wild play. They are quick to come and tell us about a broken item and to apologize for it. I, in turn, work very hard at responding with compassion and genuine concern for their own well being, and then we turn to the broken item – working on cleaning it up, talking about appropriate behavior and following through with additional discipline if the situation calls for.
When things break at the hand of a child, no matter the emotional or monetary value of the item, the child is still entirely way more valuable. And even though every Mama knows that, sometimes it’s hard to remember that.
Lisa
It is so hard to refocus! I have four children but one that tends to break things and yes, usually the items I love most. Most times I can discipline myself to focus on his feelings but the last time, I said, “Of course, it broke. I will have nothing left of my childhood soon.” Bad mom moment but an honest one. I threw out the item. Hours later, my boy brought me a poorly wrapped box in Christmas paper (in the summer). As I opened it, it was the ballerina music box that he had broken carefully hot glued back together. Tears and apologies from me and a happy and proud boy! Yes, the child is entirely more valuable, as you said, and their hearts and intentions are precious.
Jessica
What a tender gesture from your son!